Day 32: Guilty by Dissociation


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So I said I’d be honest about my struggles during Lent, and it’s time to come clean — this week I have failed miserably at staying off Facebook and limiting checking email to twice a day.

Apparently coming back from Chicago and feeling the deep loss of connection with those folks was more than I could emotionally bear without reaching for some kind of false comfort. I think many of us in that cohort were feeling this as there were lots of small FB posts and just enough emailing back and forth with pictures and memories to keep me logging in “just one more time.”

Yeah, right. *sigh*

I have eight more days of Lent and I want to finish well. That doesn’t mean doing things perfectly, but it means being aware and awake. That’s more important than not opening the laptop for a “quick peek.”

As I’ve mentioned in at least one other post, the fast from my normal diet has been really easy, except when around lots of people eating pasta and pie. 😉 But eating the same things every day has been simple and quite life-giving. My therapist suggested that not having food to turn to for comfort has allowed my compulsion to connect online to come to the surface and I agree.

I need to stop in the moment and check in with my soul. Just as I do when I open the fridge mindlessly, I can ask myself, “What am I really hungry for?” Because if I’ve checked my email several times already, there’s something going on in me that I’m not willing to look at. Instead of sitting for a bit and becoming still and aware of my breathing and what’s going on in my heart and mind, it’s become far too easy to surf the net and dissociate, reading blogs and googling nothing and everything, and taking one more look for new messages. TV isn’t available to me right now, but if it was, I’d be in my chair, staring at that screen instead. This I know.

I am not wont for things to do — I have a book I need to read before heading to OH for the third leg of the Spiritual Director Certification Program I’m in. Our office is still a disaster and needs serious organizing. There are several Holy Week services for which I need to plan music and other things. Heck, I still need to unpack from my Chicago trip!

So to make good on one of my life verses, James 5:16, I am confessing that I am guilty of dissociating, and I’m asking you to please pray for me. I need healing. I know God ‘s hand is in all of this, showing me how I’m not tending to what’s in front of me OR inside of me. I’ve been avoiding the inevitable pain and longings that are trying hard to come to the surface; I keep pushing them down with mindless, inane activity that isn’t life-giving.

So grateful for forgiveness.

So grateful to BEGIN AGAIN.

Even on Day 32.





2 thoughts on “Day 32: Guilty by Dissociation

  1. Catalinakel

    This brings me to tears. I am lonely and alone, once again. And I feel helpless to change that. I am also confused about my future, and unbelieving with regard to my ability to make changes in my life. A good cry is in order. Wish you were here, my friend.


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