When we moved to Alameda from Tucson nearly four years ago, we brought with us three boxes of CDs. I was slower to get on the digital music bandwagon than the rest of the family, but I did eventually jump on. When we moved, I planned to upload all of the CDs to iTunes “soon.”
Well…here I am, with another move before me, and I’ve had to face the reality that I never got around to the uploading project. So today I’m sitting at my dining table, with CDs stacked and spread out in front of me, determined to get this done so I won’t have to lug those three boxes with me again.
I’ve been dividing the CDs into categories — “mine,” “his,” and “his that I want to listen to.” The process of doing this, which involves looking at each CD and checking iTunes to make sure it hasn’t already been uploaded, is a very bittersweet one; it’s like I’m looking at the soundtrack of our lives over the past three decades. Some CDs make me smile, others bring a tear. I’m sighing a lot.
I don’t know how long it will be before I can listen to certain songs by the Beatles; “I Will” being at the top of that list. The tall stack of Beatles CDs takes me right back to September of 2000 when, for his 40th birthday, I bought him as many CDs of the Fab Four as I could find on sale (even finding one in Swedish, but I haven’t unearthed that yet).
This project, like so much of my life right now, embraces both holding on and letting go. The challenge is to discern which to do, and with what and when. It requires being fully present in the moment and to be mindful of what I’m feeling, thinking, and experiencing, and then to make the best decision I can from there.
As bittersweet as the project is, it is providing me with the wonderful gift of fine tuning my awareness of what I want and need in the present moment, as well as the awareness of the various emotions I am feeling all at once. I’m able to sit and be still, feel my feet on the floor, my rear in the chair, and know that I am anchored and OK.
And I know God is right here with me, catching every tear and receiving every prayer.