Have you ever been knocked down by a wave in the ocean, only to have just enough time to take a quick breath before getting hit by the next wave? If so, then you might understand what life has been like for me since I last wrote. Wave upon wave of grief, anger, and pain had me gasping for emotional and spiritual breaths. I was hanging onto Jesus for dear life, trusting that the storm would pass and calmer waters would prevail.
After a few tough weeks, the emotional tidal waves finally ebbed; I feel my feet on the floor again and my head well above water. I’m no longer gasping for air, but enjoying slow, deep breaths, clean and clear, which nourish every fiber of my being. I’m breathing in God’s love, and oxygen, and sunshine, and gentle breezes…reveling in the songs of the birds in the morning and the glistening water of the lagoon near my lovely, though very temporary, home. Laughter feels pure again; for awhile it seemed only to be an escape from pain.
I am so grateful for those who loved on me during the gasping times. My older son, in particular, was here during the worst of it. I could not have gotten through that time without him. He helped keep me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position and wail. One gasp at a time, I managed to (mostly) stay on task. Everything got done on time and more importantly, our bond is stronger for it all. So thankful for such beauty in the midst of ashes. On top of everything else, he introduced me to “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and I’m pretty convinced that Pinkie Pie and I are soul sisters. (Curly hair, super-expressive, loves to bake and give parties and make people laugh, yet can be utterly fierce when necessary. Sound familiar?)
I want to say thanks to the friends who came out to help on moving day. It was another moment of beauty in the rubble to see people who didn’t know each other working together in excellent teamwork. Friends from church plus a friend from Tucson now living here and his significant other, plus a childhood friend with whom I’ve recently reconnected, plus a neighbor; all with the common denominator of the desire to be helpful. Baked goods for breakfast and Chipotle for lunch wasn’t enough of a “thank you” but it’s all I could offer, along with this shout out. 🙂
What’s next? NOTHING. I don’t have to make plans just yet. I’m enjoying a respite from doing and getting back in touch with being.