God’s sometimes-ironic sense of humor was alive and well when I woke up this morning with the worst cold I’ve had in years. Right now my entire face is throbbing, everything is clogged and I have a “case of the miserables.” Hmmm, how to walk last night’s talk today when all I want to do is curl under a blanket and binge-watch “Frasier”?
Of course there is nothing wrong with taking a sick day or two. However, I felt compelled to not give into that just yet. (I’ll probably succumb in an hour or two.) I have too long a history of emotional epiphanies only to see them vaporize the next day when hardship comes my way. How many diets have ended on a Monday evening or Tuesday morning? 😉 (Which is partially why “Always we begin again” is so helpful to me.) I did not want today to be like that.
So with clogged ears, and a throbbing head, I got back in touch with how I felt as I left the theater a couple of evenings ago. I thought again about my “age” and what it means to have a “dash” to live out.
And all sorts of thoughts started to swirl in me about how worth and value isn’t in what we DO but who we ARE so putting too much emphasis on performance and productivity can be harmful. And I certainly don’t want to convey to anyone out there who struggles with something like chronic illness or depression that they need to “snap out of it” and “get moving.” That is so not what I’m trying to say. That swirl was followed by remembering a recent conversation I had with someone about “faith without works is dead.” Ah, the paradox…the both-and…AGAIN.
All I can say is that I feel that I’m in some kind of corrective place. My life had gotten out of balance and I wasn’t even aware of it until God used this lovely little movie to get me thinking about how I spend my days. Adaline had to keep running from being found out…she could never “bloom where she was planted.” And there’s the rub — she was given an eternity of days but couldn’t actually LIVE. I’ve been given a finite number of days and have the opportunity to live life to the full. Even in the midst of divorce. Even in the midst of deep grief. Even in the midst of my own chronic conditions.
So…little steps that got me moving — I tidied up my bedroom then decided to tackle a small but important project for church. (I learned how to embed a video into PowerPoint. Huzzah!) Wound up having a lovely IM chat with a friend, supporting each other through some difficult things. In and of themselves, they aren’t much to write about (hello more irony), but it’s all part of the notion of moments connecting with moments to get me out of myself and live into the “dash.”
And there’s something in this about hope, too. As I live in “Saturday” I can hold onto hope, and part of doing that is not giving up or giving in to sloth, worry, or escapism (among other things). It’s an act of faith, and an act of hope, to do something, anything, when I feel beaten down by life, grief, and/or a nasty virus.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to see the obvious, and sometimes I need a smack on the head to wake me up. However, this time God chose to open my eyes in such a beautiful and gentle way. Grateful for this mercy undeserved.
I still want to see the movie again, to help solidify some of these thoughts and to see if there is more to glean. Once my ears unclog, that is.